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====> Welcome to JokesUncut
=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
Whole Clan
======> Owned by http://www.GreatWorldMedia.com
=======> Unsubscribe Instructions at the bottom
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INTRODUCTION:
February has left us with the same fast speed it
came flying
in with. I know it's the shortest month of the
year but it
really has felt like a short month. It's March and
we've
still got snow here in Scotland.
Our poll of the day is...
Do you Watch American Idol?
Tell us who you think is the worst judge in our
fun poll
and we'll enter you for the chance to win $10,000.
Personally I think Paula is the worst judge...
she's too
nice. Simon is the best seeing as he's British :-)
Take the poll here:
http://www.ezines4all.com/polls/aijudge.htm
Have a fantastic day!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked
the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother to be. "He and my
husband
don't get along."
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CARTOON TIME:
Turning Up To A First Date
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/022.htm
Bullshit The Nation
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/023.htm
Being A Politician
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/024.htm
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FUN PAGE
Diet on a Stick
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=6101&s=n
Sleeping On The Job
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=3973&s=n
The Missing Elf
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=4997&s=n
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Take our short survey and you could win a 42"
Plasma TV.
http://www.greatworldmedia.com/offers/lt408.htm
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SEX OBSESSION
After a sexual harassment incident at work Frank
is sent to a
psychiatrist for evaluation. The Doctor explains
that he'll be
showing Frank a series of ink blot images called
Rorschach Inkblots.
Doctor: "Now Frank, as I reveal each image tell me
the first thing
that comes to mind, okay?"
Frank: "Sure, I got it."
The doctor shows the first pattern.
Doctor: "What do you see?"
Frank: "A women with really big tits."
Next image.
Frank: "A man and a women doing it doggie style."
Next image
Frank: "Hey! She's going down on that guy."
The doctor puts down the images and says, "Frank,
you seem to have an
obsession with sex."
Frank: "Me! Hell Doc, you're the one with all the
dirty pictures."
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TIPS FOR LIFE
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat
and hey
presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment,
always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that
when you
remove the garment from the washing machine you
can easily
locate the area of the stain and check that it has
gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand
next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop
away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money
on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at
a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not
buying the
f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky. The
morning after, you can create the effects of a
hangover by
drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and
banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding
two bottles
of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping
in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary
one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it
before you
put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
spoonful
of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your
legs,
start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry
wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've
taken
steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply
lighting
your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a
nice bit
of steak or veal. Since they're always going on
about how
tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly
like the
real thing', they won't know the difference.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading
the last
frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest
in random
order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself
and bleed
for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from
the end
of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few
years
you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to
the roof
of your car before starting a long journey. You
drive the
things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look
like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock
will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep.
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How would you like a Complimentary Sears $500 Gift
Card by
participating in our special promotion? All you
have to do
is click on the link below for more information on
how to
sign up and receive a $500 Sears Gift Card.
Buy any items at Sears with your FREE (When you
complete
the required sponsor offers) $500 Sears gift card.
All you have to do is click on the link below to
sign-up.
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