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=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
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INTRODUCTION:
Hello and welcome to your 'regular' joke list. I
hope that
I can bring a little light relief to your day
whatever your
role. Perhaps you do a job that involves as much
skill as
the great people from China display in the
presentation
below...
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/china/index.htm
Have a great day!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"
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CARTOON TIME:
Adapting To Being Out Of Jail
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/016.htm
Cheap Fire Engine Siren
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/017.htm
Squeeze The Veg
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/018.htm
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FUN PAGE
Dream Car
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=5209&s=n
The Farting Reindeer
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=4995&s=n
Cheer Up
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=3016&s=n
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ACTUAL LETTER OF RESIGNATION
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at a
computer
company, to her boss, who apparently resigned very
soon
afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker,
As a graduate of an institution of higher
education, I have
a few very basic expectations. Chief among these
is that my
direct superiors have an intellect that ranges
above the
common ground squirrel. After your consistent and
annoying
harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of
our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of
the few
true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain
every little
nuance of everything I do each time you happen to
stroll
into my office is not only a waste of time, but
also a
waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to
network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees,
who watch
you vainly attempt to understand the concept of
"cut and
paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly
simple as binary still gives you too many options.
You will
also never understand why people hate you, but I
am going to
try and explain it to you, even though I am sure
this will
be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever
will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly
looking for
fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless
look about
you that may have worked for your interview, but
now that you
actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on
overworked
staff, hoping their talent will cover for your
glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution,
you are the
blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert
principle.
Since this situation is unlikely to change without
you
getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am
forced to
tender my resignation, however I have a few
parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to
employment, it is
illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation.
The most you
can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I
will have
friends randomly call you over the next couple of
years to
keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it
on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on
the system,
and I know every password you have used for the
last five
years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to
publish your
"favorites list", which I conveniently saved when
you made me
"back up" your useless files. I do believe that
terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the
administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take
pictures of
your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention
that you
were going to take pictures of yourself in the
mirror nude.
Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you
really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen
such odd
acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that
those have
been copied and kept in safe places pending the
authoring of
a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a
spell
check please; I hate having to correct your
mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter
of
recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One
word of
this to anybody, and all of your little twisted
repugnant
obsessions will be open to the public. Never f***
with your
systems administrator. Why? Because they know what
you do
with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia
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JOINING THE ARMY
This Text is from an actual letter from a kid
from Eromanga to Mum and Dad after joining the
army.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is
a small town west of Quilpie approx 10 hours west
of
Brisbane in the far south west of Queensland,
Australia)
If you can 'hear' this with an Aussie accent it
will definitely enhance the flavour ;-)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell
them to
get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all
gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I
like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before
brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean
ya
uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to
feed, no
feed to stack nothin'! Blokes haz gotta shave
though,
but it's not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water
and
even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot
Mum
makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by
that
time all the city boys are buggered because we've
been
on a 'route march' - geez its only just like
walking to
the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil
with laughter.
I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.
The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum
and it
don't move and its not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into
their
prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta
do i
s make yourself comfortable and hit the target -
its a
piece of pi55!! You don't even load your own
cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya
don't
have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the
roo
shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys
and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -
it's
not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and
Boori
and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it
looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and
I've
only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles
across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and
eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till
the
other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys
to get in quick before word gets around how bloody
good
it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill
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