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====Welcome to JokesUncut
=====Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The Whole
Clan
======Owned by http://www.GreatWorldMedia.com
=======Unsubscribe Instructions at the bottom
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Mole, Wart & Skin Tag Free In 3 Days
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INTRODUCTION:
Welcome to another working week with lots of
laughs. I'm
waiting to hear from the dentist as to when I go
in to get
this painful tooth removed. It's amazing how
something so
small can cause such discomfort. I'm just glad I'm
on the
medication that I'm on which makes it manageable.
I pity
those who don't have access to the kind of stuff I
do.
I love crisps (which you call chips), I like them
all...
the potato ones and maize/corn ones but I'm
uninspired by
the selection at present. Don't get me wrong... we
have
hundreds of varieties over here... I'm just pretty
bored.
I recently managed to buy some South African chips
on eBay,
it was interesting to try something new. I also
managed
to get some kettle chips sent from America once
and they
were nice.
Have a great day!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M
University
has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from
jiggling
and prevents the nipples from pushing through the
fabric
when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a
large group
of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the
shit out of
him.
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CARTOON TIME:
Just Ask
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/010.htm
Voodoo Mistress
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/011.htm
Knowing The Best Plan
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/012.htm
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FUN PAGE
Chalkboard Capers (Funny)...
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/chalkboard.htm
Lego Church (Great!)
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/legochurch.htm
Fire Relax
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=6164&s=n
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How To Burn Any Dvd Movie
If you have a CD Burner and a DVD player in your
computer
you can transfer any full-length DVD movie to a
single CD
with high quality results that will play on anyone
of your
computers. This program is not intended to be used
to copy
films in violation of the Millenium Copyright Act
and we
advise not using it for that purpose.
Burn any full length Dvd movie onto a blank CD
using any CD
burner!
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HOW TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a $exologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little
yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for
herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about
where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Sh@g him
2. Leave him in peace
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ZEN
Maharishi Fattifatbastard’s Guide to Zen
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan
belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk
and
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air.
It only becomes really important when you aren't
getting
any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that like everyone else, you are
unique.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or
alive,
try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile
in
their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away
and you
have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink
beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that
person
again?
It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the
windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that
comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an
argument with a woman.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if
your lips are
moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just
after
you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we
get
smacked on our arse.
From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have
not
laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need
to
know.
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Home Inventory
This is the perfect computer program for Home
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