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====> Welcome to JokesUncut
=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
Whole Clan
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Have you noticed your computer running slower than
ever?
The reason for that may have to do with online
advertisers
adding SpyWare or AdWare to your computer without
your
knowledge. "Spyware" is a common term for files
that are
installed on your system without your knowledge
that allow
companies to monitor your Internet activity. "AdWare"
is
software that will show you popup ads over and
over. What
they don't tell you, however, is how these files
can be
extremely dangerous to your PC and could cause
major
problems with your PC.
We are offering every computer owner, including
yourself,
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INTRODUCTION:
Yesterday George Bush was inaugurated into office
for a 2nd
time and JibJab who made the great 'This Land'
cartoons have
been at it again with another unmissable epic
cartoons
giving a funny spin on events.
It's free to watch at the moment but if they get
too much
demand they may have to start charging so watch it
while
you can and don't forget to tell your friends!
We have a link to it here:
http://www.ezines4all.com/links/jibjab2.htm
Have A Great Day!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"?
A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
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CARTOON TIME:
AOL Sign-On
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/004.htm
The Clapping Moon's
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/005.htm
Asses To Asses
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/006.htm
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FUN PAGE
Steady Hands Game...
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=4977&s=n
Valentine Chocolates...
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=5781&s=n
The Perfect Man...
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=210&pid=3059&s=n
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How To Have The Best Sex Humanly Possible - By
Gary Halbert
If you are interested in having an absolutely
incredible
sex life, there is a new book (just published)
that has the
most exciting secrets you will ever read.
But, here's a warning: Before you request your
copy of the
book, you better know some of the secrets revealed
in it.
You see, the author of the book doesn't want to
embarrass
anyone... or... make them feel uncomfortable in
any way. So,
if your deep religious beliefs, your ultra
conservative
upbringing or, if you have "personal reasons"
against
having great sex... you probably should NOT read
this
book.
http://hop.clickbank.net/?LABLaughs/giftfunds
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DARWIN AWARDS 2004
They are finally out again.
In case you don't know it's an annual honour given
to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service
by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed
by a Coke
machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting
drunk cheaply because he had no money with which
to buy
alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this
concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace
in his house. The resulting explosion and fire
burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of
his home died of suffocation, according to police.
He was
approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds.
He was
wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle
shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a
military gas mask that had the filter canister
removed and
a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end
of the
hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
approx. 30"
long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was,
for
reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was
the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of
explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very
awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at
low altitude when another plane approached. It
appears that
they decided to moon the occupants of the other
plane, but
lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were
all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around
their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he
tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot
railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a
fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together,
wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the
other end to
the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit
the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his
car was
found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
assembled
was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the
ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of
death was "Major trauma."
Continued Below...
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Double The Speed Of Your PC
Discover some of the most amazing secrets to speed
up and
optimize your PC that you will ever learn, you can
do
everything in this report without spending a
single cent on
hardware and I will show you exactly how in these
two main
categories:
1) Hardware Optimization - e.g. CPU, modem, hard
disk, CD
drive, memory etc...
(2) Software Optimization - e.g. Internet
Explorer, Outlook,
Media Player, Office 2000 etc...
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DARWIN AWARDS 2004 (Continued)
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
It seems
that he and a friend were playing a game of catch,
using
the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a
future
Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west
Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly,
management
evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from
the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they
found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
later
described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a
cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of
the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the
blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome,
Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a
ball
washer at the local golf course. Proving once
again that
beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to
straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in
the
machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies
upped the
ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
Sanchez's
balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for
him, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot
higher off the ground than his testicles are in a
normal
stance, and his balls were the weakest link.
Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and
one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained
in the
ball washer, while the other testicle was
compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of
the
washer, and the rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new
$300.00 driver
that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was using
to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery,
and the
remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count,
because the
idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce
as a
result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have
allowed
it.
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