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=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
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INTRODUCTION:
I'm later posting today because my Mum was
visiting for the
day but I thought that I should share some great
jokes with
you all... so have some fun!
I know it's a little late for new year but I was
reading
some research on how harmful smoking is and it's
really
quite shocking... if you're a parent and you smoke
then
you are harming your child even if you don't smoke
in front
of them so aren't passive smoking and even if
you're a
millionaire so they never go without because of
your smoking
you are still harming them because you're stealing
time from
them... when they're having to nurse you through
cancer or
when you're dead and they're still growing up...
that's time
stolen. I highly recommend anyone, parent or
otherwise, to
make an effort to give up smoking today. You can
find help
below at:
http://www.greatworldmedia.com/offers/lt357.htm
Take care!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
An American girl was visiting England and was
invited to a
party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled
Englishman, her
necklace became unfastened and slipped down the
back of her
dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the
jewelry
piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing
to
comply with her request he reached cautiously down
the back
of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem
to reach
it." Try further down," she said. At this point he
noticed
that he was being watched by everyone in the room,
which
made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered
to the
girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."
"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the
necklace."
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CARTOON TIME:
AOL Anywhere - On The Toilet
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200410/022.htm
Ass Worshiping
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200410/023.htm
Life After Divorce
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200410/024.htm
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FUN PAGE
Your Baby Picture
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/ybp.htm
Blonde Christmas Present
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/blondexmas.htm
Catapult...
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/catapult.htm
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CANADIAN IMPOSTER ALERT
As a fledgling Canadian, you will have to be extra
vigilant.
There are a lot of impostors out there. If you
suspect that
someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off
as a
Canadian, make the following statement - and then
carefully
note their reaction:
"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a
mickey of
C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck
in the
muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying
to deke
out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted
everything. And
then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car
and gave
me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there
dressed only
in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the
Mountie,
he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit
disturber" and what not. What could I say, except,
"Chimo!"
If the person you are talking to nods
sympathetically,
they're one ofus. If, however, they stare at you
with a
blank incomprehension, they are not a real
Canadian. Have
them reported to the authorities at once.
The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19
different Canadianisms. In order:
pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided
by the
government for not working.
mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas
mickey,
on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of
booze,
which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism
through
and through.)
C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be
confused
with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian
Club.
beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for
Canadians.
skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for
teenagers.
muskeg: Boggy swampland.
duplex: A single building divided in half with two
sets of
inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other
doesn't exist
while at the same time managing to drive each
other crazy;
metaphor for Canada's french and english.
deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an
opponent through
skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most
often in
exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!"
Meaning,
"My, what an impressive display of physical
dexterity
employing misdirection and guile."
chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over
the
Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in
Calgary
but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of
Calgarians.
Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of
coat, pure of
heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper
spray, uses
of.)
snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a
sneaky
manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial
form of
"did sneak." (We think.)
ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily
identifiable by
its inconspicuousness.
impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as
a noun
and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival
from of
"impaired" being "pissed to the gills").
S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate
predicament.
Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially
Grandpa-style, white
cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a
large
superfluous flap in the front. And back!
toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel,
with about
the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.
chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately
aggressive;
constantly looking for a reason to find offense;
from "chip
on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)
shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or
provocateur.
According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of
the
Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a
distinctly
Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada
is chippy
and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do
fine.)
Chimo!: The last sound heard before a Canadian
falls over.
Passes out!
EH!
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THE MAN CODE
The universal compensation for buddies who help
you move is
beer.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the
temperature
is unsuitable.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the
game, and
the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you
are
required to wait 10 minutes for every point of
hotness she
scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present
for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's
birthday
is strictly optional and slightly gay.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe
your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal
duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end
up having
sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak
of it,
even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to
ask his
permission and he, in return is required to grant
it.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem
---you didn't
see nothin'.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports
event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress,
but you
may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink
only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's
delivered by a
topless super model and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you
better be
referring to his beer.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're
on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in
line. In
all other situations, a nod is all the
conversation you
need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in
the car,
you may not join him.- far too gay."
"Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
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