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=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
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How To Have The Best Sex Humanly Possible - By
Gary Halbert
If you are interested in having an absolutely
incredible
sex life, there is a new book (just published)
that has the
most exciting secrets you will ever read.
But, here's a warning: Before you request your
copy of the
book, you better know some of the secrets revealed
in it.
You see, the author of the book doesn't want to
embarrass
anyone... or... make them feel uncomfortable in
any way. So,
if your deep religious beliefs, your ultra
conservative
upbringing or, if you have "personal reasons"
against
having great sex... you probably should NOT read
this
book.
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INTRODUCTION:
I've been a bit groggy today so I'll keep this
short and
sweet... have a totally wondeful fabulous great
day!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the
neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind
of down." "My wife
just told me that my lovemaking is just like a
news bulletin." "Why's
that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually
a disaster."
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CARTOON TIME:
Sometimes Things Aren't How We Imagine
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/085.htm
Getting Priorities Right
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/086.htm
Is It In Yet?
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/087.htm
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FUN PAGE
Halloween Party...
http://www.ecardfunny.com/html/Halloween-Party.html
Water My Plants
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/plants.htm
Random Fun Page...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/random.htm
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PARENTS JOBS
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class
what their parents did
for a living. One little girl said her father was
a doctor, another
said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and
said "My mom's a
whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to
the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal
what you said in
class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our
economy, gave me a pocket
full of lollies and asked for my phone number..."
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BIRTHDAY PRESENT DIARY
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband
(the sweet dear)
purchased me a week of personal training at the
local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing
on my high school
softball team), I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give
it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal
trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26
year old aerobics
instructor, and model for athletic clothing and
swim wear. My husband
seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get
started. Well, the club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress, so here it goes:
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God -
with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Bruce gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after
five minutes on the
treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was
encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole
time he was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I
finally made it out the
door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the
air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's
rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel REAT!! It's a whole new life
for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce
put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce
told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other
shit too.
Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his
vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that
long to tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he
was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find
me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any
human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of
my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$
barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you
learned in the sadist
school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
from.) The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir
director?
Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering
machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing him
made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight
hours of the *$@#&&&& Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year
my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me
that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy.
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