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====> Welcome to JokesUncut
=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
Whole Clan
======> Owned by http://www.GreatWorldMedia.com
=======> Unsubscribe Instructions at the bottom
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Fake Lottery Scratch Cards
Watch your friends get excited when they scratch
off the panel
to reveal they've won a prize!
Wait until they have it spent before telling them
it's a fake.
Then watch their faces... and be prepared to run.
http://www.greatworldmedia.com/gagsplus18.htm
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INTRODUCTION:
Today I'm really annoyed with a couple of friends
of ours.
We invited them round to dinner yesterday and they
eagerly
accepted the invitation. I told them I was going
to cook a
full roast and was going out to get the
ingredients.
I took a special trip to the supermarket
especially to buy
the groceries required. I bought all the fresh
ingredients
required for the menu which included a large fresh
turkey
joint, chipolata sausages, sage & onion stuffing,
yorkshire
pudding batters, crispy roast potatos, potato
croquettes,
carrots, broccoli and gravy. I was also in a hurry
so got a
taxi there and back. I put all the food on to cook
and I
set the table with all the best cutlery, glasses,
napkins,
place-mats etc only to then be sent a message
saying they
weren't coming anymore. They weren't even polite
enough to
telephone me. The excuse they left was that they'd
forgotten
they were going to a club they sometimes go to...
nobody
would have been disappointed if they didn't go.
Aside from
that I had told them we were dining at 5pm and the
club
they attend is 10 minutes from my house and starts
at 8pm...
but I couldn't discuss that with them as they had
their
phones switched off... probably to avoid having to
answer
to me.
What is more annoying is that this isn't the first
time
they've done this and yet I never learn. I still
invite
people that have let me down at the last minute. I
know
that it's not a reflection on my cooking as they
both
enjoy that... it's just a reflection on how
ignorant and
selfish some human beings are. Makes you wonder
what you
should consider a friend.
You're all invited round to my house for dinner
any time
you want! If you happen to be in Scotland that is!
Take care and have a great day!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
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CARTOON TIME:
That's A Big One
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/037.htm
Cards For Men
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/038.htm
New Service In Town
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/039.htm
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FUN PAGE
Here we have a page just for the boys!!!! And the
lesbians
of course. Call it the 'Male Hypnotic Tool'...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/mht.htm
This version of Space Invaders is more challenging
than
other versions where you can quite easily get up
to Level
357 or something like that. This one actually
makes it
difficult for you to even get up to level 5...
either that
or my game-playing skills are getting poorer.
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/spaceinvaders/index.htm
Random Fun Page...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/random.htm
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How To Have The Best Sex Humanly Possible - By
Gary Halbert
If you are interested in having an absolutely
incredible
sex life, there is a new book (just published)
that has the
most exciting secrets you will ever read.
But, here's a warning: Before you request your
copy of the
book, you better know some of the secrets revealed
in it.
You see, the author of the book doesn't want to
embarrass
anyone... or... make them feel uncomfortable in
any way. So,
if your deep religious beliefs, your ultra
conservative
upbringing or, if you have "personal reasons"
against
having great sex... you probably should NOT read
this
book.
http://hop.clickbank.net/?LABLaughs/giftfunds
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THE BET
Two young men decided to make a bet as to which
one of them
could make love more times in one night. They
agreed that
sunrise would be the end of the contest and each
went to
their respective motel rooms.
The more boastful of the two.....went right to it
and made
love to his date... leaned over and marked a "l"
on the
wall....
Feeling sprightly, he went again... and once again
at the
completion of the act ..marked another "l" on the
wall -
next to the first.
Figuring he had the bet in the bag.. he decided to
relax a
bit
and in relaxing....fell asleep.
Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window...
he
quickly grabbed his lady and did it one more time
and
marked another "l" on the wall...
Just at that time, His friend enters...and upon
seeing the
marks on the wall exclaims: "DAMN- a hundred and
eleven...
beat me by three...."
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If you want to learn Photoshop fast and you want
to do it
without reading boring books or going to expensive
classes
then this might be the most important letter you
read all
year.
Here's what this is all about:
Now you can learn Photoshop in less than 2 hours
thanks to
newly released, interactive video tutorials that
play on
your computer screen. You don't even need to own
the
Photoshop software to use these videos. Everything
you
need to learn Photoshop is included.
http://hop.clickbank.net/?LABLaughs/jgardeners
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THE PROXY
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a
proxy father
to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm
off. The
man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just
by
chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the
doorbell,
hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You
don't know
me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain.
I've been
expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the
photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and
have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs..
Smith,
blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try
two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you
can really
spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work for
Harry and me."
"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time.
But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from
six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the
results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped
Mrs.Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
time. I'd
love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd
be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs.. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on
the top
of a bus in downtown London.
"Oh my god!!" Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, tugging at
her
handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well
when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work
with." The
photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith. "Yes, I'm
afraid
so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
the job
done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep,
pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.. Smith, eyes
widened in
amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than
three
hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling.
I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness
approached and I
began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs..
Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually
chewed on
your, er.., um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll
set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs.. Smith looked extremely worried
now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon
on. It's
much too big for me to hold while I'm getting
ready for
action. Madam? Madam? ...... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!
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Does your computer seem to be running slower than
usual? Do you get bombarded with annoying pop up
ads?
Well, if you've ever downloaded any music, movie
clips, or games then your computer may be infected
with "AdWare" and "SpyWare" applications!
Advertisers use downloadable music files and movie
clips to add "SpyWare" and "AdWare" to consumer
PCs.
"AdWare" allows companies to monitor your
internet activity and serve you annoying pop up
ads.
If you're suspicious that Internet Advertisers
have
placed "AdWare" or "SpyWare" to your computer,
then here's your chance to combat it.
http://hop.clickbank.net/?LABLaughs/trekblue8
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