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====> Welcome to JokesUncut
=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
Whole Clan
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FARTING GAGS ARE HILARIOUS AT ANY AGE!
Naughty Bodily Function Fun!
Not everything on this page farts, some thing pee,
something humps, some thing we just aren't really
sure
WHAT they do - we just think they're funny!
http://www.greatworldmedia.com/gagsplus01.htm
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INTRODUCTION:
I've done enough Bush slamming recently so it's
about time
to poke a little fun at John Kerry. Here is an
excellent
song/animation "What If Kerry Was A Lady".
http://www.ezines4all.com/links/kerrywoman.htm
Welcome to August I hope it's a great summer month
for you!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet
i
n the middle, starts with a C and ends with a T ?
A coconut. And What were you THINKING????
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CARTOON TIME:
Only My Wife...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200406/079.htm
Too Much Viagra...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200406/080.htm
Rejected Book Title...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200406/081.htm
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FUN PAGE
This is a funny short movie with the Dos and
Don'ts of
Driving.
Driving...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/driving.htm
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FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and
told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about
having a
will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an
appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the
office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've
lived alone
all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like
to go
out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come
to my
house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who
agreed and
he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to
discuss
her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please
tell
me what you have in assets and how you'd like them
to be
distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and
accessories you
see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at
the
bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like
the
$40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've
lived
a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed
me,
so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd
like to
provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will
be
able to have a funeral that will certainly be
noticed
and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who
may
not have taken much note of you!
But tell me," he continued, "what would you like
to do
with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never
married,
I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in
fact
I've never slept with a man.
Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to
arrange
for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said,
adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it
and
get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his
wife
about the eccentric spinster and her weird
request.
After thinking about how much she could do around
the
house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she
got her
husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning,
and wait
in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's
house and
waited while he went into the house.
She waited for over an hour, but her husband
didn't come
out.
So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the
lawyer
stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up
tomorrow, she's
going to let the County bury her."
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NEW DEFINITIONS FOR OLD WORDS
For those who appreciate the intricacies of the
English
language, the Washington Post publishes a yearly
contest
in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings
for various words. Some winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.) - a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) - appalled over how much
weight
you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.) - to give up all hope of ever
having
a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) - to attempt an explanation
while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) - impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) - describes a condition in
which
women absentmindedly answer the door in their
nighties.
7. Lymph (v.) - to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) - an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) - the emergency vehicle that
picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10 Balderdash (n.) - a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) - a humorous question on an
exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) - the formal, dignified
demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines
you.
13. Oyster (n.) - a person who sprinkles his
conversation
with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.) - the opening in the front of
boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) - The belief that, when
you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck
there.
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