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====> Welcome to JokesUncut
=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
Whole Clan
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INTRODUCTION:
Today I had a hospital appointment at the centre
for
molecular genetics. It would seem that my
illnesses which
are hereditory may be unique to my family... so I
might get
a syndrome named after me or something. It's not a
condition
I'd wish on my worst enemeies.
I wasn't the only one with a hospital appointment,
we took
Maggie to the vet and she's physically healthy
even if she
is made in the head... but I'm sure that can be
attributed
to being female.
Dinner tonight was italian. I had my pizza garlic
bread
with cheese whilst Lizzie had her T-Bone steak
with black
peppercorn sauce. The first thing I did when I got
in (even
although I can only eat 1/2 a 10" pizza) was to
take off my
jeans and put on my nice comfortable tracksuit
bottoms that
Lizzie won't let me wear out because she says I
look a
'disgrace'... what does that matter? They're
comfortable!
Women are strange... comfort's far more important
than
appearance.
Comfortably,
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty
with a
problem of her own.
"It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a
very nice
girl, but just as soon as I've had a drink or two,
I become
uncontrollably passionate and I want to make love
to
whomever I happen to be with."
"I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well,
suppose I
just mix us up a couple of cocktails here, and
then you and
I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this
compulsive neurosis of yours."
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CARTOON TIME:
Ball Scratching...
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Dozing Off...
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Feeding Tube...
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FUN PAGE
Short Test...
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FOUL MOUTHED PARROT
Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it,
he brings
home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna
try to
fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot,
"You pull
that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw
you in the
toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the
parrot
screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna
try to
fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and
throws him in
the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns
out she's
having her period, so she excuses herself to go
yank out her
tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out,
when she
hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says,
"If you can
live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash
like
This!"
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TALENTED ARTIST
Little Johnny was a great little artist and one
day at
school he decided to play a prank on his teacher.
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.
It looked
so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly
sitting on
the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly
didn't
fly away. So she slammed the book once again,
again the fly
didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started
to pound
the book with the ruler and, as a result, the
grade book
became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the
class
laughing, she realized what had happened. Then
Miss Baker
called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade
book?" she
said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month,
he drew
a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks
straight I was
pulling splinters out of my dick."
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