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====> Welcome to JokesUncut
=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
Whole Clan
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How To Have The Best Sex Humanly Possible - By
Gary Halbert
If you are interested in having an absolutely
incredible sex
life, there is a new book (just published) that
has the most
exciting secrets you will ever read.
But, here's a warning: Before you request your
copy of the
book, you better know some of the secrets revealed
in it.
You see, the author of the book doesn't want to
embarrass
anyone... or... make them feel uncomfortable in
any way. So,
if your deep religious beliefs, your ultra
conservative
upbringing or, if you have "personal reasons"
against having
great sex... you probably should NOT read this
book.
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INTRODUCTION:
Online shopping is a really great thing. I got a
very large
shop delivered today, or should I say a very large
quantity
of shopping... having a large shop delivered to my
home
would probably not be very practical.
You kind of feel sorry for the delivery guys as
they bring
in crate after crate of groceries into your house.
The
total count for juice (coke, lemonade etc)) was 76
litres.
The way I see it if they put them on 'Buy 1 Get 1
Free' then
they're asking for trouble from people like me.
Once the delivery guys go the first task is always
to seek
out the stuff for for the freezer and pray that
you'll be
able to fit it all in after going wild on even
more stuff
on 'Buy 1 Get 1 Free' or '3 for the price of 2' or
some
other kind of 'multisave'. My favourite offer is
when I see
'Try this product free', you can add it to your
basket and
it costs you absolutely nothing... I always add
them even
if I don't like what it is... I'll always find a
friend
who does. The only problem with these offers is
that you
can only add one... not that I'm greedy or
anything.
Going back to the poor delivery guys, it could be
worse, I
could live at the top of a block of
flats/apartments... so
at least they didn't have any stairs to climb.
It's not a
task I envy.
I'm going off to look over my receipt to see just
how much
money I saved. I like seeing the difference
between what
I would have spent had everything been full price
and what
my actual bill came to.
Ahhhh, I'm glad that's my shopping done for
another months
aside from things like bread that I will no doubt
need from
time to time. I don't need to worry about milk as
I don't
like the taste and I'm also lactose intolerant...
cheese
spread and cheese slices don't make me ill... but
milk
does. Makes you wonder who discovered that you
could get
milk from cows, and you could drink it. More
worryingly is
wondering what they thought they were doing when
they
found out.
Frugally yours,
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms.
As I
entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally
cupped a
male co-worker's crotch.
"Next time," he said, "why don't you take me out
for dinner
and a movie first?"
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CARTOON TIME:
Hair Transplant...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200402/052.htm
Thought Processes...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200402/053.htm
Blood Thirsty...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200402/054.htm
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FUN PAGE
Canyone Glider...
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/canyoneglider/index.htm
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101 Tips & Tricks to Get The Most from Your iPod
Your iPod is a fantastic mp3 player: but it can do
so much
more.
This ebook will show you how to use your iPod to
its MAXIMUM.
Use it as a PDA, a bootable hard drive, back-up
your
computer, to record voice notes.
This eBook is also your iPod's missing manual.
Solve
problems such as freezes, crashes, poor battery
capacity,
working with multiple machines, updating its
firmware.
Don't spend hours and hours surfing the internet
to find the
answer to your problem: just look it up in this
ebook.
For the next 3 DAYS ONLY, as an introductory
special, we are
selling the iPod eBook for only $6.95! Download it
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WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BLOW JOBS
1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do
it.
2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be
grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video,
it's NOT
standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head.
Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. Besides, you
REALLY want
puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok
to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer
week". Get
it through your head: I'm bloated and I feel like
shit, so
NO, I don't feel particular obligated to blow you.
You
just can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked
on high
school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk
off and
leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to stop to remove a public hair from
my
teeth, don't tell me I've "wrecked" it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video
games
immediately after is HIGHLY inadvisable if you
would like
my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best
not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just
enjoy the
moment. Review #2 above about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I
don't give
a shit about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how
they don't
get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut.
It's not
appropriate to sympathize OR brag.
16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does
not mean
I have to "kiss it good morning".
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******** JUST JEANNE ********
Love to cook? Love to can and preserve? Love your
pets?
Have a veggie and herb garden? Love a good clean
chuckle?
Need good household hints? Then come join us for
good
clean fun with your friends at “JUST JEANNE”
To get your FREE subscription:
mailto:justjeanne49-subscribe@topica.com
******** JUST JEANNE ********
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WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BLOW JOBS
1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it.
If you
don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who
will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a
hell of a lot
easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef"
mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful
I'm not
pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, putting something
in your
mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and
moaning.
6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five
straight
days, you need all of the fluids you can get,
trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I
tell you
we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor"
category.
8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding
in your
mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it,
we've had
better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide
awake" in
the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and
are
looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be
"sound
asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry
about
getting any on your face, now do you?
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