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====> Welcome to JokesUncut
=====> Seriously Scottish Adult Jokes For The
Whole Clan
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INTRODUCTION:
Hello all, I hope you remember me as it's been so
long since
I was able to send out jokes. I thank those who
have sent me
emails and kept me in their prayers.
So much has happened to me in the last few months.
I've been
pretty ill and in hospital but am well medicated
now and
feeling much better at the moment.
I had server problems for a while and also had to
deal with
my Dad passing away.
No matter what's happened I never lose my sense of
humor,
you've got to smile every day in this world. Never
part
company on bad terms with somebody you care for
because you
never know what's round the corner.
Phil (mailto:mrx@ezines4all.com)
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QUICK JOKE
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when
you can get the milk
for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an
entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
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CARTOON TIME:
What To Get Daddy?...
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Slut T-Shirts...
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Big Ass!...
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PLAYING WITH WORDS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once
again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are
this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one
got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a
mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast
out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after
finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
a______
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UK COMMENTATORS
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle
up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK
eclipse coverage
remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're
rubbing each
other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and
his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish
Open: "Some
weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he
prefers to do
it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on
Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses
every chance
he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards'
tyre choice
on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in
practice
earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on
now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire
winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising
fastest
finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on
jockey Tony
McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look
between
his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner
Phil
Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing
third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a
Durham v
Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to
observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it
off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
North
said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage
inside you
on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a
Grand Prix,
asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the
backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros
felt
much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough
Scott's
breath away, "My word," he said. "Look at that
magnificent
erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how
jockeys
prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually
have
four or five dreams a night about coming from
different
positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle
Ages on
Time Team Live> said: "You'd eat beaver if you
could get
it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and
asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you
promised
me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the
set,
but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing
so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie
(Arnold
Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each
tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....
Oh my
god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race
1977
- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is
really a
ovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New ZealandRugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens
loves it
when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this
is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning
and it was amazing!"
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