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====> Welcome to DafterLafter
=====> Seriously Scottish Clean Jokes For The
Whole Clan
======> Owned by http://www.GreatWorldMedia.com
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Oprah did it again!
What made her list this year?
What caused all the commotion?
Oprah gave out her 2004 list of favorite things.
Gifts of
all shapes and sizes: If you did not see the show,
let me
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Not to be out done, we want to give you a chance
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Eileen Fisher Waffle-Weave Merino Stretch Zip
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Maytag(R) Neptune(R) Top-Load Washer and Drying
Center
Lollia Lifestyle Collection
Hand-Blown Crystal Champagne Glasses by Deborah
Ehrlich
Dooney & Bourke Leather Duffle Bag
Apple Bottom Jeans by Nelly
Museum Automatic Artˇ Watch by Movado
Gourmet Florida Key Lime Bundt Cake
Italian Water Garden Tea Service
SpecialTeas Fine Tea Gift Certificate
Williams-Sonoma Home Bedding
The Magellan(R) RoadMate(TM) 700
Dell(TM) Pocket DJ(TM)
OfficeMax Gift Certificate
Sony VAIO(R) S260 Notebook computer
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INTRODUCTION:
I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas. I've not
been
around much for various reasons. The holidays of
course are
one reason but I also have a real bad toothache
and my
dentist is still closed for the holidays. The
toothache
causes my whole face to be sore and causes me
migraines so
I'm avoiding the computer as that makes it worse.
We got a quote for the new kitchen today and
kitchens are
a lot more expensive than I'd thought. My Mum had
promised
to help us out with a contribution and now we find
that it
is costing more than we thought she also doesn't
want to
help at all... to clarify, we hadn't actually
asked her for
any more of a contribution... we were going to
find the
difference... but now we have to find the
difference and
the money which she was going to lend us... and we
are very
good at paying money back as we always have in the
past. The
person that persuaded her not to lend me money is
my sister
who borrowed money off my Mum for a car and hasn't
bothered
to pay it back... yet my Mum still puts her way
ahead of me
despite the fact my sister didn't get her a
Christmas present
but then my Mum didn't get her one so that's fair.
I got my
Mum and sisters a Hi-Fi with DAB radio, Friends
Seasons
1-10 on DVD, a DVD Recorder, $600 worth of Gift
Vouchers and
numerous smaller presents for opening. In total I
got from
them a bottle of shower gel and a pair of socks. I
don't
mind not getting presents but the fact of the
matter is that
they can easily afford them they just aren't
interested in
going to the effort of carefully considering what
to get a
person. I'm just not important enough to them. To
make it
worse the kitchen people needed a 25% discount
today or
they weren't going to be able to give me the
discount I'd
managed to negotiate as it was a start of sale
offer that
simply couldn't be held. My Mum, even today, had
promised
me money for that but let me down at the last
minute and
made me look like an idiot in front of the guys
while I
had to phone around and sort the money out. Over
the
years my family have let me down time and time
again and
I have done so much for them and every time one of
them
needs a favour I'm quick to do it and they never
ever
give anything back in return or offer help in any
way. I
really think I'm tired of being used. I have a
great set
of friends who I'm really lucky to have and can
really
count on. They don't take advantage like my family
do.
Now that I've vented my frustrations... have a
great day!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
Did you know that the word ALIMONY is really a
contraction.
Its short for "all my money"
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CARTOON TIME:
How To Quit Smoking
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200410/019.htm
Online Access
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200410/020.htm
Little Oranges
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200410/021.htm
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FUN PAGE
Cable Capers
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/cablecapers/index.htm
Lego Volvo
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/legovolvo.htm
Random Fun Page...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/random.htm
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<><><><><><><><> 'PLEASE VISIT OUR SPONSOR'
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TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS MEMO
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen
have
elected to take the early reindeer retirement
package has
triggered a good deal of concern about whether
they will be
replaced, and about other restructuring decisions
at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of
dominance in the season's gift distribution
business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share.
He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit
further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through
purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the
CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the
reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received
unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role
will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for
something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible
language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get
red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.
Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
never did pull his share of the load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's
helpers and taken out of context at a time of the
year when they are known to be under 'executive
stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global
challenges require the North Pole to continue to
look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to
take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music
subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear
tree, which never produced the cash crop
forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their
romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are, therefore,
eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After
all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an
automated voice mail system, with a call waiting
option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how
long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by
the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio
based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals, as
well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology
stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury
which can no longer be afforded. It has long been
felt that the production rate of one egg per goose
per day was an example of the general decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that, from now on, every
goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a
number chosen in better times. The function is
primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order. The current swans will be retrained to
learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their
outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept
has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A
male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a
dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd
number. This function will be phased out as these
individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost
of Lords, plus the expense of international air
travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat
sacrificed, the savings are significant as we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen
this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers
drumming is a simple case of the band getting too
big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will
produce savings which will drop right to the
bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in
assorted people, fowl, animals and related
expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal
profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a
decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to
remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board
will request management to scrutinize the Snow
White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right
number.
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<><><><><><><><> 'PLEASE VISIT OUR SPONSOR'
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TOUR OF LONDON
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was
in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie
explained what
it was and that construction started in 1346 and
it was
completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like
that? In
Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in
1544, completed 1618. "Hell boy, we put up a
bigger one than
that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was
silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?"
"Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
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