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=====> Seriously Scottish Clean Jokes For The
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INTRODUCTION:
Hello all :-)
I hope your day has been great so far and I hope
it gets
even better... I hope I can do my best to assist
that
process.
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
A a big mouth college student challenged a senior
citizen
saying it was impossible for their generation to
understand
his world. "You grew up in a different world," the
student
said.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space
travel,
nuclear energy, computers, the internet..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's
litany, the
senior said,
"You're right sonny . We didn't have those things
when we
were young... so we invented them!"
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CARTOON TIME:
Moron Alert
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Those Extra Years For Being Healthy
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Ink Accident
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FUN PAGE
Spot The Differences
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Bug On A Wire
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Random Fun Page...
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HEALING
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an
elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his
bad leg over the
barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked
for a sip of Irish
whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and
said, "Is that Jesus down
there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to
give Jesus an Irish
whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian
with a hunched back,
who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a
glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and
asked if that was
Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of
Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck,
who swaggered into the
bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!
Hey, is that God's Boy
down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to
give Jesus a cold one,
too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the
Irishman and touched him
and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Irishman felt the
strength come back to his leg, so he got up and
danced a jig out the
door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised
his hands above his
head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck
jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing
disability!"
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HOTEL SOAP
The following letters are taken from an actual
incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up
submitting the letters to
the London Sunday Times!
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars
of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.
Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back
tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the
shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of
your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this
is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to
her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my
medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and
have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little
Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing
teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3
hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6
soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish
where your Dial was. I put
the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didn't remove
the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine
cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
not object to when you
checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I
can of further
assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me
this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy
with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope
you will accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have
any future complaints
please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension
1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I
leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30
or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were
already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything
about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have
thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of
hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery
of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have
accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop
delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of
further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap
was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late
last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere
Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of
your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your
room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies
for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who fucking left 54 little bars of Camay in my
room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I
don’t want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one fucking bar of
bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All
I want is my bath size
Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I
had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap
was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had
been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't
know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid,
Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory
which I left in your
room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my
latest soap inventory. As
of today I possess:
On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in
4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2..
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere
Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks
of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere
Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2
stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make
sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her
that stacks of more than
4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my
bedroom window sill is
not in use and will make an excellent spot for
future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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