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====> Welcome to DafterLafter
=====> Seriously Scottish Clean Jokes For The
Whole Clan
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INTRODUCTION:
I know it's a little early but I'm really a big
kid at heart
so I went out and bought a Christmas Tree today.
Not the
traditional green but it was a White Alaskan Fir
Christmas
Tree and I bought lots of tinsel and banners and
baubles and
various other decorations like a big star for the
top of the
tree and coloured flashing lights and little
snowmen and
Father Christmas lights etc. I'm putting them up
now because
the way I see it.. if I've paid for them they're
not just
going up for a couple of weeks... I want to get my
moneys
worth.
Phil, full of the Christmas Cheer
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QUICK JOKE
Health insurance companies may no longer provide
customers with the anti-arthritis medication Vioxx,
because studies show it can cause heart disease in
elderly patients. But experts say the heart
attacks
only occur when seniors see how much the drug
costs.
- Jake Novak
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CARTOON TIME:
Last Words
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/040.htm
Rollercoaster Rules
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/041.htm
Reverse Head Hunting
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/042.htm
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FUN PAGE
Fun Shui Horoscope
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/fshoro.htm
Fowl Words
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/fowlwords/index.htm
Random Fun Page...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/random.htm
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DEAR USA - FROM THE UK
To the citizens of the USA....
In the light of your failure to elect a proper
President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice
of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths
and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new
prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair,
MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is
a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of
you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British
Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with
immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the
pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been
pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is
nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,
you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be
replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that
the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome
to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't
cope with
correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will
be no
more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have
chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then
you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter
'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English
accents are not
limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian
(Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to
understand
regional accents – Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no
such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon". If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be
required to cast
English actors to play English characters. British
sit-coms
such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will
not be
re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience
who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out
task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way
through.
6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are
aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough
will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a
US rugby
sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the 'World
Series' for
a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only
2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball,
you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"
which is baseball without fancy team strip,
oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of
you who
were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders
should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have
never been
the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You
will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will
no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public
than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe
you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but only in England. It
will be
called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
cr*p and it
is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will
understand what we mean. All road intersections
will be
replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go
metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication
will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even
French,
they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including
the guy who
discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of
a country
called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are
thick cut
and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and
flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per
cup will be
added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea
made
within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is
not actually beer at all, it is lager. From
November 1st
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer",
and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be
referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer"
will
henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine",
with the exception of the product of the American
Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser
(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,
Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol
(or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep
calling it
until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
The UK
will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol
prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough
to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up
enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us
crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will
be with
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due
(backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation
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<><><><><><><><> 'PLEASE VISIT OUR SPONSOR'
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REJECTING A REJECTION LETTER
Next time your application for a job is
rejected...
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].
After
careful consideration I regret to inform you that
I am unable
to accept your refusal to offer me employment with
your firm.
This year I have had been particularly fortunate
in receiving
an unusually large number of rejection letters.
With such a
varied and promising field of candidates it is
impossible for
me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications
and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately
following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
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