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=====> Seriously Scottish Clean Jokes For The
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INTRODUCTION:
It's so late today that I very nearly didn't post
but though
maybe you'd miss me. So let's not waste any more
time. I vow
to be earlier tomorrow!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp honoring
the one
hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the
Wright
Brothers.
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds like a lot of people are trying to get
out of Ohio.
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CARTOON TIME:
I Love My Job
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200408/007.htm
Scarecrow
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200408/008.htm
Men Buying Flowers
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FUN PAGE
Bubble Trouble
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Bug On A Wire
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GRADE SCHOOL PAPERS I
A compilation of statements from actual grade
school papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they
all wrote in
Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and
the climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea,
where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any
ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven
hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had
Myths. A Myth is a
female moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of
that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went
around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from
an overdose of
wedlock. After his death his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks.
History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one
place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of
Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was
going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee
hee, Brutus.'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was
canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an
arrow through an
apple while standing on his sons head.
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GRADE SCHOOL PAPERS II
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a
Queen she was a
great success. When she exposed herself before her
troops they
all shouted 'hurrah.'
12. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started
smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with a 100 foot
clipper.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous
only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was
John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and
he wrote
Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was
the English
put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would
send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally
the colonists
won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the contented
congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of
the declaration of independence. Franklin
discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A
horse divided
against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in
1790 and is still
dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced
on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in
the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half
Italian and half
English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later
died from this.
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great
many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam
boat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Madam Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation
of the Arch-
Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the
anals of human
history.
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