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====> Welcome to DafterLafter
=====> Seriously Scottish Clean Jokes For The
Whole Clan
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INTRODUCTION:
I was a little too busy to write anything during
the
weekend, you all have my sincere apologies. I went
to the
Falkirk Wheel and the one word I have to describe
it was
'slow', and even someone who's one hundred and
twenty twelve
would find it boring... hardly a thrill seekers
ride, oh
well at least I can say I've tried it... hardly a
tourist
attraction I'd be wanting to go back to, almost as
disappointing as the sea life centre in
Blackpool... if I'd
wanted to look at fish in a tank I could have done
that at
my local pet store.
When I want entertained I want proper
entertainment... I
want inverted rollercoasters which fly of the end
of the
track then free fall 500 metres into water only to
be
spurted straight back up into the air by some kind
of super
jet thingy... all whilst spinning around upside
down. I
want a real rush of adrenalin!!!
Phil
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QUICK JOKE
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental
company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He
was
stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the
make of
the car he was driving. I asked again for a more
detailed
description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
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CARTOON TIME:
Chances Of A Man Winning An Argument...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/004.htm
Mission: Get To Gap... Man Vs Woman...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/005.htm
Strange Balcony Design...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/006.htm
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FUN PAGE
Help David Beckham Get Fit...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/becks
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ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW
Once upon a time the colors of the world started
to quarrel:
all claimed that they were the best, the most
important, the
most useful, the favorite.
GREEN said: "Clearly I am the most important. I am
the sign
of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass,
trees, leaves -
without me, all animals would die. Look over the
countryside
and you will see that I am in the majority."
BLUE interrupted: "You only think about the earth,
but
consider the sky and the sea. It is the water that
is the
basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the
deep sea.
The sky gives space and peace and serenity.
Without my
peace, you would all be nothing."
YELLOW chuckled: "You are all so serious. I bring
laughter,
gaiety, and warmth into the world. The sun is
yellow, the
moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time
you look at
a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile.
Without me
there would be no fun."
ORANGE started next to blow her trumpet: "I am the
color of
health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am
precious for
I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most
important
vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges,
mangoes, and
pawpaws. I don't hang around all the time, but
when I fill
the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so
striking that
no one gives another thought to any of you."
RED could stand it no longer. He shouted out: "I
am the
ruler of all of you - I am blood - life's blood! I
am the
color of danger and of bravery. I am willing to
fight for
a cause. I bring fire into the blood. Without me,
the earth
would be as empty as the moon. I am the color of
passion
and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the
poppy."
PURPLE rose up to his full height. He was very
tall and
spoke with great pomp: "I am the color of royalty
and power.
Kings, chiefs, and bishops have always chosen me
for I am
the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not
question
me - they listen and obey."
INDIGO spoke, much more quietly than all the
others, but
with just as much determination: "Think of me. I
am the
color of silence. You hardly notice me, but
without me
you all become superficial. I represent thought
and
reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me
for
balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace."
And so the colors went on boasting, each convinced
of
his or her own superiority. Their quarreling
became
louder and louder. Suddenly there was a startling
flash
of bright lightening - thunder rolled and boomed.
Rain
started to pour down relentlessly The colors
crouched
down in fear, drawing close to one another for
comfort.
In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak:
"You
foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves, each
trying
to dominate the rest. Don't you know that you were
each
made for a special purpose, unique and different?
Join
hands with one another and come to me."
Doing as they were told, the colors united and
joined
hands. The rain continued: "From now on, when it
rains,
each of you will stretch across the sky in a great
bow of
color as a reminder that you can all live in
peace. The
rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow."
And so, whenever a good rain washes the world, and
a
rainbow appears in the sky, let us remember to
appreciate
one another.
{Based on a Native American Legend}
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FACTS FROM THE 1500'S
The next time you are washing your hands and
complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you
like it,
think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about
the 1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took
their
yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good
by June.
However, they were starting to smell, so brides
carried a
bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence,
the
custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot
water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean
water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and
finally the
children - last of all the babies. By then the
water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence, the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath
water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high,
with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get
warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small
animals (mice,
bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery
and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off
the roof.
Hence, the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into
the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and
other droppings could really mess up your nice
clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top
afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds
came into
existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than
dirt. Hence, the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
the floor
to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
they kept
adding more thresh until when you opened the door
it would
all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in
the entranceway. Hence, the saying a "thresh
hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with
a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit
the fire and
added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not
get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over
the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it
that had been
there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas
porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine
days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them
feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang
up their
bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a
man could
"bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share
with guests and would all sit around and "chew the
fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food
with high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto
the food,
causing lead poisoning and death. This happened
most often
with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so,
tomatoes were
considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got
the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and
guests got
the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination
would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a
couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for
dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would
gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake
up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks
started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up
coffins
and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and
reuse the
grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and
they
realized they had been burying people alive. So
they thought
they would tie a string on the wrist of the
corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and
tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all
night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus,
someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a
"dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that
History was
boring!!!
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FATHERS DAY IS COMING!!!
Don't know what to get? All Fathers have a sense
of humor
whether they display it or not, get something
funny for your
Dad. You'll be amazed at just how many funny gags
we have
for Dad!
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